It’s hard for me to believe that I’ve actually done this (never mind talk about it here) but I have just purchased a pistol.

Like, a real one. Not a squirt gun, or laser tag zapper, or a Nintendo Light gun, or Pistol Pete’s Pizza… No, a thing that fits in your hand and fires real live bullets very fast with the sole intent to kill/maim a living thing that’s on the other end.

And clearly I’m having some issues with this new development in my life.

Because, quite honestly, I don’t like them.

I’m not into the NRA, nor shooting ranges, nor gun shows, nor any of the other activities I have no clue about that are firearm-adjacent. I don’t like the idea of toting a gun around in the car and potentially arming thieves. It’s statistically unlikely that I’ll need one for self-defense. I find their presence alarming whenever I see someone wearing one in public, so I don’t want to be that guy.
And, above all, I don’t want to hurt anyone.

So, why the hell did I just buy one then?

Well the primary reason is the chickens. I talked about this back when we had to put poor Mildred down, and came to the conclusion that I’d need a small-caliber gun to humanely dispatch any of our chicks who were beyond healing. Again, I am not thrilled about this idea. However it’s inappropriate to expect my neighbor to handle that kind of thing for me, and I’m not interested in the many other variations on flock euthanasia.

Also, as unlikely as a home burglary may statistically be (about a 1-in-70 chance in the Lyndonville/St. Johnsbury area according to ChatGPT’s numbers), we’re also not exactly moving in a socioeconomically stable direction as a nation. And, crimes of desperation being what they are, if someone were to enter our house uninvited there isn’t a whole lot I could immediately do to dissuade such activity and/or protect my family other than attempt to dazzle them with flowery and Byzantine circumlocution.

I’ve always held that a big dog is a more valuable resource than a firearm when it comes to home security, and we’re working on that one too (we don’t have any fencing in our yard, which complicates things), but a firearm is certainly another part of an overall protection plan.

I do have a .22 varmint rifle (borrowed from the same neighbor)…

But that’s less for home protection and more for distance plinking of foxes, raccoons, and hawks in an effort to protect our flock.

And while the pistol I’ve purchased is also just a .22, I highly doubt anyone who’s on the business end of it will pause to read the label stating that it’s not a 9mm. (There’s only a tenth-of-an-inch difference in size between the two.)

Obviously there’s more to all of this than just purchasing the thing and clapping my hands together with an, “Okay! Glad I’ve got that whole gun thing taken care of!” sentiment.

Both Jen and I will need to practice how to load, shoot, unload, and store it safely. To that end, I have a biometric safe on its way, which will keep it out of little hands. And once the snow melts there’s a small metal disc that I’ve hung on our property for target practice and general firearm familiarity.

If you’d told me 10 years ago that I’d have guns in my house I would’ve said you absolutely had the wrong guy. As a matter of fact, I’ve pushed back several times when offered them by family.

I guess I’m in a different place now, though. Both geographically and ideologically.

See you tomorrow.

j.s.